As I have bemoaned in these virtual pages, headlines aren’t what they used to be. The demise of the crusty sub-editors who made them an art form, and digital media’s pervasive need to bait clicks, has made a clever, seductive headline a rare creature. But they’re still to be found.
Five best headlines of the year
“Honey I shrunk the quids” — The Daily Star (UK), after short-lived UK Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng’s mini-budget crashed the pound.
“Tubular gels” — The Economist on a new gel-based method for vasectomies.
“The Thane, Insane, slays mainly in Dunsinane” — The New York Times’ review of ‘The Tragedy of Macbeth’
“Florida man makes announcement” — New York Post reports Donald Trump’s decision to run again in 2024.
“Rory’s left to mullet over” — metro.co.uk after Cam Smith, with a spectacular mullet, beat Rory McIlroy at the British Open golf.
Aside from the good stuff, I have also collected for you some of the downright weirdest headlines of the year.
Top five from The Guardian (UK)
“Giant New Zealand potato is not in fact a potato, Guinness World Records rules”
“Call to tighten New Zealand law that allows public pooing if no one watching”
“Taste the TV: Japan invents lickable screen to imitate food flavours”
“Norwegian conscripts told to return underwear as Covid hits supplies”
“BBC apologises after ‘Manchester United are rubbish’ appears on ticker”
Top five from The Daily Mail (UK)
“Father who ‘hasn’t stopped breaking wind since he ate a ham roll at a Christmas market five years ago’ sues for £200,000”
“Etiquette expert reveals the elegant way to eat a Flake bar without getting crumbs of chocolate everywhere using the ‘suck’ method”
“102-year-old great grandmother who says you should ‘live one day at a time’ reveals her secrets to a long life, including tequila shots, Jägerbombs, sausage rolls and Dominos pizza”
“International Chess Federation accuses world No. 1 player of tarnishing game’s reputation by quitting match against fellow grandmaster, over fears rival was using vibrating anal beads to cheat”
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Top five health advice headlines
“How to eat your way to a tighter vagina” (citizen.co.za)
“Why you should probably not use hand sanitiser on your genitals” (iol.co.za)
“National Park Service Asks Visitors to Please Stop Licking Toads” (New York Times)
“Japan tells its young people to drink more alcohol” (The New York Times)
“‘My daughter warned me’: Northern Ireland woman on verge of going blind after tattooing her eyeballs” (iol.co.za)
‘What’s that got to do with business?’ headlines from businessinsider.co.za
“If you haven’t bought your Easter marshmallow eggs yet, then it sucks to be you”
“Here are our favourite matching pyjama sets for the whole family this Christmas”
“A carving of a man holding his penis is the earliest known depiction of a narrative ‘scene’”
“Donald Trump shares Truth Social photo proclaiming him as second only to Jesus”
And in other news
“When the Queen Died, Someone Had to Tell the Bees” (New York Times)
“It wasn’t the crocodile’s fault, says KZN wrangler who was bitten during live show” (news24.com)
“Useless wedding planner gets drunk at wedding and makes out with groomsman” (iol.co.za)
“I keep forgetting my Tesco clubcard so I got QR code tattooed on my arm” (thesun.co.uk)
“Putin thanks Russian Santa Claus for presidency” (news24.com)
“‘Jesus Christ’ gets verified on Twitter thanks to Elon Musk” (citizen.co.za)
Headline apology of the year
“KFC Apologizes for Linking Chicken Promotion to Kristallnacht” (New York Times)
news24.com headline questions that no one has ever asked
“Are Albert Einstein and Shia Labeouf related? Here’s proof that they could be!”
“Which came first? King Charles or the egg?”
Headline question of the year (iol.co.za)
“Why are stadiums still empty when people are smoking and having sex? asks Benni McCarthy” DM
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