“All of us are geared to bond… and to have a companion to share life with,” says South African relationship counsellor Lauren Clucas.

Yet, as Shakespeare wrote, “the course of true love never did run smooth” — and that is as apt today as it was more than five centuries ago.

Clucas tells Daily Maverick that the foundations of a relationship are set long before the coupling actually begins. In fact, much of how one experiences a relationship is based on the relationship one has with oneself as well as their perspectives on the world around them. 

“The relationship with yourself is the lens through which you’re able to choose somebody else,” she adds.

Self-awareness is vital, and the ability to recognise why one makes the decisions you make can go a long way. 

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“We tend to seek out that which we’ve learned,” Clucas explains. For example, people tend to either seek out relationships similar to those in their family while they were growing up, or look for the opposite of what they experienced. Each situation is unique — the key is the awareness to identify where one is coming from, and where one wants to go. 

Identifying red flags starts closer to home

When it comes to dating and relationships, the term “red flag” refers to behaviours or emotions that may signal its best to turn one’s back on a potential relationship.

However, the first red flags are not with another person but with oneself, says Clucas. It is important to develop an inner voice of trust, and then to take one’s own concerns seriously. 

“The first red flag has to be, ‘I don’t like who I am when I’m with you’ — because your boundaries are indicated by the feelings you’re having,” Clucas explains.

“You often learn about yourself through [recognising] in others what you don’t want to be like. The important thing is to recognise what’s happening to you when you’re with that other person. Are you starting to dislike yourself? Are you starting to negotiate away parts of yourself that were important before you entered the relationship?” 

Another important red flag is a negative reaction to conflict. After the “honeymoon phase” ends, conflict can arise. In this case, the conflict itself is not a red flag but is rather in how both people in the relationship deal with it. 

“For a lot of young people, fighting becomes a red flag in itself and they tend to catastrophise the disagreement,” Clucas says. Conflict does not mean inherently that a relationship is not working or is not going to work out long-term. Instead, couples need to learn how to manage conflict in a productive manner. 

“Navigating conflict is not an “all-or-nothing”, “fight or flight” approach. Rather, learn how to fight fair and recognise that it’s a sign that the relationship is needing to mature and graduate to the next level,” explains Clucas. 

When couples learn how to navigate conflict well together, they also develop more autonomy as individuals. 

“In the beginning, we’re very enmeshed, but then we start to separate out and recognise the differences in the relationship,” Clucas says, which can signal how a partnership is developing. 

The second red flag that Clucas identifies is if one feels that they cannot trust their partner. This goes both ways in the relationship; it may be that a partner is exhibiting behaviour that makes it difficult to trust them, but it may also be that a person is finding it difficult to allow themselves to be trusting of their partner, which requires vulnerability. 

“The stage of the relationship where you’re learning to fight is also the stage of the relationship where you need to learn to trust — and trust yourself when you are with the other person,” she explains. 

A lack of trust is also a warning sign when it leads to lower self-esteem. Clucas adds a gentle reminder to young people that if a partner has broken one’s trust, not to take it personally. “[A person] can go into a state of low self-esteem and, and starting to feel that they’re not good enough, as opposed to being able to read that actually, maybe the relationship is not the right context for them,” she explains. 

Other red flags to watch out for

While Clucas encourages people to first examine themselves and how they feel within a relationship, she also points out some behaviours that may raise alarm bells when exhibited by current or prospective partners:

• A lack of empathy: especially in situations where one feels there should have been,
• Being masked, walled, guarded or avoidant,
• Disrespecting a “no” or disrespecting an ask.

“The fundamentals on the pillars of a relationship are love, hope, trust and respect — these are very simple and very generalised, but they still apply today,” Clucas says. If someone does not feel they are receiving those four things, that may need to be investigated. 

“That doesn’t mean you have to end it, it just means that you need to raise attention to that and work through it.” DM